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Dear Professor

Michael Archer-Pauchet


First, I would like to state for the record my confusion concerning this ado.  Just because a word is composed of a certain number of letters doesn’t mean it should automatically be categorized an expletive.  To this end, I have again heeded your advice, consulting that infallible source of the meaning of language, Mr. Webster’s dictionary.  As fate would have it, Daniel esteems my little word so highly he lists it a total of four times; twice as a noun, twice as a verb.  So I ask you professor, how can a word so important it rates four definitions be indecorous?  Furthermore, I discovered by dropping just one letter I could form a variation of my original word, creating a conjunction.  This in turn doubles Mr. Webster’s admiration, as he lists eight new definitions of my word.

Obviously sir, this is not a fully appreciated word.  Consider – it’s an adjective, noun, verb, conjunction, and slang term.  Personally, I feel such a versatile term is due a great deal more respect than is currently accorded it.

Secondly, I would submit that removal of this word from our language would lessen the descriptive powers of students everywhere; i.e., picture if you will, two young ladies strolling along a sunny street one day when by chance they espy an appealing member of the opposite gender.  After he passed, they turned and watched him cross the street.  “Hey, Mary Jo, scope out that great looking guy!”

            “Yeah, did you notice his cute uh…uh…whatever it is?”
            Too, if this word were to be suddenly removed from our language, professors would no longer be able to refer to students as (omitted) heads. 

When a rival football team came to town, we couldn’t kick their (omitted).  Moms couldn’t threaten to beat your (omitted) off if you didn’t turn down the volume.  Enemies could no longer describe you as a (omitted) wonder.  My deride girlfriend wouldn’t be able to refer to me as “that (omitted) hole who forgot our date.”  (I was writing a term paper.)

            I believe we must rise above the trivial sir, and admit this thing is bigger than the both of us.  After all, we spend the better portion of our lives around it.  Or had you considered just how much we haul, covet, kiss, kick, lose, chew, chase, grab, sit on, hold on to, move and frequently make one out of ourselves?  Too, should we move to delete this word, what else might we compare opinions to?

            In the interest of brevity I shall not belabor the point, however, may I respectfully suggest in future should you take offense at my usage of language that you turn the other cheek.