The Last Letter
Monday 20th, 8:00 am
Dear Mario,
Please come to the castle. I have baked a cake for you.
Yours Truly: Princess Toadstool
Monday 20th, 9:45 am
Dear Mario,
I hope that this message reaches you in time. When I saw the royal messenger heading towards your house, I knew that I had to act quickly. The princess has probably invited you to her castle with the promise of sharing some sort of treat with her. A pie or cake perhaps?
Despite what you may think, the cake is a lie! I’m sorry to be the one to tell you, but Princess Peach has another motive for luring you to her castle today, and it’s not for a roll between the royal bed sheets. What I’m trying to say is that princess Peach wants you dead, and I have the supporting evidence to back my claim.
Have you ever asked yourself, why am I her army of one? If not, you should. It’s true that blondes have not always been the smartest, but c’mon! She has had plenty of time to figure out that her castle is in need of more security. She has an entire kingdom under her reign, and the only protection she has is an army of toadstools that do absolutely nothing! Instead of hiring body guards or training her army, she relies on her boyfriend. I guess she figures that as a plumber, you already deal with a lot of crud.
There was a time when Peach loved you. I’ll admit that much. But the girl’s affection wore off the more time she spent with Bowser. Think about it. Have you ever seen him actually hurt Peach? You’re a nice guy and all, but Bowser doesn’t need a Viagra mushroom to size up to her. Girls have a bad habit of falling for the bad guy. And you know what they say, once you go dinosaur...
But the fact of the matter is, she knows they can never be together as long as you are in the picture. You’re the most talked about man in the galaxy. Everyone likes you. If the princess even tries to dump you, she’ll get a bad rep for the rest of her life. And Peach can use all the good publicity she can get. I mean, how many people do you know that just go on and on about how wonderful she is? Yeah. That’s what I thought. Nothing!
So Bowser and the princess came up with a solution to their problem. She would continue to get “kidnapped” by Bowser, therein, throwing you into every deadly scenario imaginable in the hopes that you will die. Once dead, there would be no one to save her, and she would be free to live forever in his kingdom. The Toadstool Kingdom would just assume that she was forced to marry him and continue to follow her and Bowser’s direction.
I’ve been watching you risk your life for Princess Peach ever since we met, and what have you gotten in return? A handful of kisses? What in the hell is that all about? She treats you bad and doesn’t even have the guts to say she’s through. And you two have been together for how many years? Most women would have demanded a ring by now, but the lack thereof suits her just fine.
Look Mario, you could do so much better than her. Drop the dumb blonde and find yourself a nice person to spend the rest of your life with. One who isn’t trying to have you killed.
Someone who truly cares about you and will support you for a change. Someone like... me.
Yes, Mario. I am in love with you. I knew it the first time I carried you through the forest. How you caressed me as we leapt through the air. The way it feels to be mounted by you sends chills down my back just thinking about it. Yes! I love you. And if you do not feel the same, then I understand, and will not bring it up again. But if you are reading this and you feel the same for me as I do for you, I’m yours! Run to me my darling! I’ll be here.
Sincerely: Joshi
P.S. And I baked you a cake.